THE FAMILY MEETING Submitted by Kim Reynolds, Triplet Mom Originally printed in March 2003 I'm sure your family is very similar to mine, everyone going in different directions and/or too busy to actually connect as a family. In trying to redefine my position as a parent and gain some sanity in our house, we've been having weekly "Family Meetings." Our family meeting is scheduled every Wednesday after dinner and everyone in the family must attend (they usually can't wait for it to start). Its purpose is to discuss ideas, values, and complaints, and to plan family work and play. The family meeting provides opportunities for: ? Being heard ? Expressing positive feelings about one another and giving encouragement ? Distributing chores fairly ? Expressing concerns, feelings, and complaints ? Settling conflicts and dealing with recurring issues ? Planning family fun At every meeting, there needs to be a chairperson and secretary, even if that means that your non-writers use a tape player to record the meeting. Parents should model the communication skills of reflective listening (non-judgmental, reflecting feelings back to whoever is speaking) and problem solving so the children can learn more effective ways to communicate. When solving a problem, first you need to identify it, everyone gets an opportunity to share his or her feelings about it, and then everyone shares advice on how to solve it. Finally, all family members vote on a solution. This is not a majority rule, but a consensus. Start out the meeting by having all family members say something kind about someone else in the family. This encourages cooperation and respect and will get the meeting off to a good start. The next step that we do is to have everyone say what he or she would like to discuss in the meeting. Only one person at a time can speak and everything gets listed. Then, we review minutes from the last meeting and any decisions that were made. If something comes up during the week that needs to be discussed at the meeting, it can be written down and posted on the refrigerator or bulletin board. With the "new business," we take one item at a time. Generally, we discuss things such as school, helping each other, and respecting furniture, people and toys (chairs are for sitting, beds are for sleeping, hands are for holding or hugging). We also review safety rules both around the house and in the community. From there we ALL choose chores. I make a grid chore chart with everyone's name on it and the days of the week. Chores that need to be done are making beds, folding laundry three days a week, cleaning three bathrooms two days a week, emptying dishwasher every day, vacuuming each bedroom one day a week, vacuuming stairs two days a week, cleaning the den, sweeping the kitchen floor everyday and cleaning the playroom. There is at least one job per person each day, many days with at least two. If someone refuses to do his/her chore that day, they can pay someone else to do it for him/her out of their allowance money (see below). All members participate as equals and we each need to try to see and understand each other's points of view. The family meeting is not a "gripe" session, but a resource for solving problems. We focus on what we can do as a family rather than on what any one member should do. The goal of the family meeting is communication and agreement, and following through on agreements. Before the close of the meeting all decisions are reviewed. It is best to end the meeting on a positive note by complimenting everyone on another great meeting. We also have a tradition of enjoying cookies and hot chocolate after each meeting. ALLOWANCE Allowance is handed out after each family meeting. Allowance, in my house, is not related to chores. It's a learning tool for how money is used in exchange for something we want, and for our responsibility in helping others in need. The chores on the chore chart are to be done to help the "family," and not because you get money for them. I keep reminding my kids that if they do their chores, then I don't have to do them, which allows more free time for me to do fun things with them such as sledding, reading, playing cards or snuggling during a movie. That alone can't carry a price tag! Bonus money can be earned by doing something to help the family that is not considered a regular chore (shoveling the driveway, cleaning out the van, cleaning the garage, cleaning the basement, washing windows, cleaning the baseboards or wiping handprints off the walls). They earn 25 cents for each bonus. My 9-year old gets $2.00 a week for allowance, and my 5-year old boys get $1.00 a week. With that money, they are responsible for paying back debts (paying someone to do the chore they didn't want to do), contributing to the "Family Fun" jar and for giving a portion to charity. TMM is the non-profit organization we have chosen to donate to and I'm happy to say that last month, they were able to send TMM $12.00. They were very proud of that! The "Family Fun" jar is for saving for a fun family activity. Everyone needs to contribute if they want to participate in the family activity. We are currently saving for a trip to the movies. We've collected $28.00 so far, which almost covers admission, but since they all want to enjoy the movie with popcorn and a drink, we'll need about twice that much. I feel that over the past several months since we started family meetings, chores and allowances, my family is more "together." The kids cooperate better and I often hear them reminding each other to respect this and that. Weekly meetings gives them something to focus on and look forward to. I see no reason why family meetings can't start when the kids are young. We, as parents, have challenges from day one. Having meetings to help muddle our way through the challenges, without placing blame on anyone, can only help to pull the family closer together. Happiness in a family is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling. The vehicle is your choice!