The Hardest Words
By Linda Foley, Triplet Mom
Originally printed in October 2003

It's strange when you lose a child, stranger still if it was a stillborn child.  People don't 
know what to say, but for a stillborn child, they seem to want to pretend that the child 
never existed.

Even those that know they are not call my boys twins.  If they are uncomfortable calling 
them triplets then "the boys" will do; but somehow they seem to feel they should label 
them twins instead.

This doesn't make me feel better - maybe it makes them feel better.  This doesn't make 
me feel as though I have not lost a child though I'm not sure if they are trying to.  This 
doesn't make me forget my other son, my David - the one who should also be here but 
isn't.

When a child dies, you've lost your future.  We lost our child, our expectations of 
parenting triplets, our hopes and dreams of what our three sons would be like growing up 
together.  The loss of David resulted in the extreme premature birth of our surviving 
triplet sons.  This resulted in much anguish, fear, hopes for their survival and for their 
well-being all amid our grief for David.

I look at my surviving triplets and I often wonder what it would be like if David were 
here too.  Would my boys have been born close to term?  Would they be healthy with no 
issues?  What would that be like?  But, I shake off that dream – David is gone, and we 
love and miss him dearly.  Nolan and Ethan are who they are, and we love them dearly.

There is no one to blame – there is only what is.  My heart aches to have David here with 
me.  I treasure Nolan and Ethan because they are here with me.  My living children will 
be raised to know they have another brother.  Our family will never be complete, but it 
will be whole.

If you know someone that has lost a child, there are many things that I could advise NOT 
saying.  Instead, I would like to suggest a few things that you could say or do.

?	I'm so sorry that (child's name) died.
?	I can't imagine how you feel, but I'm here to listen whenever you want to talk.
?	I'm happy you have (surviving child(ren)'s name(s)), but I'm sorry your other baby 
died.

Do use the child's name in conversation – it may cause some tears to well up in our eyes, 
but our hearts will be full to hear someone mention our child.

If you really don't know what to say or do, just ask.



Here are some websites, organizations and chat groups offering support and resources for 
parents that have suffered the death of one or more of their children from a multiple birth.

Most of these sites have information on other sites and organizations as well as ideas for 
keepsakes, birth announcements and suggestions for ways to honor and remember our 
children that have died.  There are many beautiful poems posted that may provide 
comfort as well.  Some of the sites also offer places to post pictures and stories.

CLIMB Center for Loss in Multiple Birth
http://www.climb-support.org
 HAND Helping After Neonatal Death
 http://www.handonline.org
 A Place To Remember
 http://www.aplacetoremember.com
 MISS Mothers In Sympathy & Support
 http://www.misschildren.org
 LIMBO-L Loss In Multiple Birth Outreach
 
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Lake/5
142
 Multiplicity:  Multiple Birth Challenges, 
Loss, 
Prematurity, Special Needs
 
http://www.synspectrum.com/multiplicity.h
tml
 POMs (Parents of Multiples) Forever
 http://www.erichad.com/pom/index.htm
 SHARE, Pregnancy & Infant Loss 
Support, Inc
 http://www.nationalshareoffice.com
 Compassionate Friends
 http://www.compassionatefriends.com
 Still Fathers
 http://www.stillfathers.org
 Born Angels, Pregnancy Loss Support
 http://www.bornangels.com