Clearing the Air: Sharing My Personal Experiences with Anti-depressant/anxiety Medications
By Renée Ruggiero, Triplet Mom
Originally printed in May 2004

After discovering at one-too-many MNOs that Moms are very interested in hearing 
about anti-depressant/anxiety medications, but too afraid to ask, I wanted to share
my own personal experiences, and hopefully, do my part towards ending this taboo.

Last summer, I started feeling like I just wasn't "right."  I thought 
maybe I was overtired and run-down.  My emotions were completely out of whack and
I was obsessing about everything, every second of the day.  I think being a new 
Mom of multiples encouraged this over concern with everything.  Physically, my hormones
levels left something to be desired (I still swear they, along with my back, will
never be the same again).  But also, the everyday advocate role of parenting babies
that are not "the norm" contributes, I think.  We have to worry about 
the things most with 40-week, 8-pound, singletons would not.  It is perhaps maternal
to obsess in these matters.

When things weren't going as I'd planned, I would simply explode with rage.  I was
a big fan of throwing things - phones, shoes, full baby bottles (hint... never throw
things that will create a bigger mess you have to clean up later) -- you name it.
Sometimes, I got into valid arguments, but mostly I was furious with the jar I couldn't
get open, the sock Jack left on the floor, the computer for being too slow, etc.
It would come on fast and uncontrollable, and afterwards, all I could do is weep
and rock the heck out of my glider, sad, spent and confused as to what was happening
with me.  I found myself saying that I wish that I could drink, but I'm not a big
fan of alcohol.  I really just wanted something to "take the edge off,"
and make life more livable.  I wanted to stop caring and worrying about the stupid
things.

I began to wonder if I could have post-partum depression, but it didn't make logical
sense to me since my trio was nearly a year old and I thought, that's something 
that should happen right after birth.  It also didn't seem right to me that I was
taking my frustrations out on my husband, and not my kids.  My children could do
no wrong, but poor Jack could do no right.

I finally asked the Moms at a MNO one night if a person could get PPD a year after
her children were born.  Of the group of six or so Moms that were there, everyone
emphatically shook their heads, "Yes!"  It was yet another Oh-thank-God-moment
for me... I was honestly starting to believe that I was going crazy.  To my surprise,
everyone proceeded to go around the table listing what anti-depressive medications
they were or had been on.  I was flabbergasted.  Here I was, thinking I was alone
in the world, just like I had felt after my first miscarriage.  I wasn't alone then,
and I certainly wasn't this time either.

One Mom pulled me aside and spoke very candidly about her experiences.  She suggested
to me that it wasn't PPD, but something else called PMDD, Premenstrual Dysphoric
Disorder, which is what she suffers from.  Simply put, it's an elevated form of 
PMS.  Our experiences were nearly identical, and she told me to make an appointment
to see my OB/GYN and discuss the problem.  I thought, this is an emotional problem...
why would I see my OB/GYN?  The Mom told me that it's all about hormones - a chemical
imbalance which is altered each month by menstrual cycles, just like PMS.  I called
to make an appointment the very next day.

I was still so nervous about this appointment.  What if Dr. Dan thinks I'm crazy
and puts it in my chart that I'm a lunatic and calls the people that take babies
away?  Dr. Dan, my beloved OB/GYN for many years, came in, sat down, and talked 
with me about my symptoms and concerns.  He had seen me through years of endometriosis,
infertility, and pregnancy loss, and, looking back, I regret not going to him for
help sooner.  He assured me that I'd come to the right place and that many of his
patients are there for the same reasons, and with the same insecurities.  We talked
in depth about my diagnosis of PMDD, medication options, and side effects.  I told
him I wasn't opposed to medications, but with three babies to take care of, I need
to be clear-headed.  After much discussion, Dr. Dan gave me a prescription for Sarafem.
He said it was safe to take, no grogginess, no side effects, and I could even take
it during pregnancy, if my husband and I ever decided to have another child.  He
said I should notice a positive change immediately.  That was an understatement.

After taking one pill, my new life began.  I didn't feel like I was on any medication
at all, but for the first time ever, my head was relaxed and clear.  I was patient
and able to think about what I was going to say before it was said.  The stuck jar
lid didn't bother me anymore.  Who cared if there was a sock on the floor?  I was
no longer making complicated lists in my head, or worrying about the most ridiculous
of things.  I was falling asleep at night and waking up well-rested.  I stopped 
sleep-walking and talking in my sleep.  I was better equipped to take care of my
daily responsibilities because they weren't getting lost and buried under useless,
obsessive, overwhelming worries I had created for myself.  This drug has helped 
me to "de-clutter" and be a better person, wife and mother.  Things no
longer have to be done a certain way all the time.  My husband likes me again (yay!).
What freedom!  In fact, I can't believe I went 30 years without it.

I really just want to encourage any of you feeling the same way I did to talk with
your OB/GYN about it.  Simple diet and exercise may help; medication may help.  
If one thing doesn't work, try something else.  You don't have to feel lost and 
out-of-control AND you shouldn't think that, if prescribed drugs like Sarafem, Prozac,
Zoloft, etc., you're hereby defined as a psychological misfit.  If you had an ulcer,
you'd see your doctor, right?  Why should this be any different?  Take control and
be the best person you can for yourself and your family.