Priorities
By Jonathan White, Triplet Dad
Originally printed in December, 2004

It's so amazing to me how one event in a person's life can turn your priorities 
upside down.  It is simply mind-boggling how one single event can change your plans, 
hopes, dreams, and aspirations.  I can think of no event in my life that has had 
such a profound affect as the day I was told I was going to be a father to triplets.

"Here's one....  Oh, there's another right next to the first...."  Cool, twins, That's 
great.  "Oh, and over here's a third...."  Triplets, wow.  "Please keep checking," 
was all I heard (I don't remember if I said it or Shelbi said it.).  But that was all.  
Just three.  Wow.  Just three.

I still had to go to work that day.  I was actually thankful for the snarled traffic 
on 128 as the usual one-hour drive surpassed two hours, a rare occurrence - not the 
traffic but being thankful for it.  Wow.  Three at once.  How are we going to be 
able to afford this?  I've never met anyone with triplets.  The house isn't big enough.  
No way are three car seats, older kids, Shelbi, and I going to fit in the Intrepid.  
Can Shelbi carry three?  Three more deductions.  I wonder if they'll be boys or girls. 
We'll never have a 'normal' family.  What if they aren't all healthy?  How am I going 
to get time off for doctors' appointments and for when they are born?  How was this 
going to affect my career?

Since that day, I've come to know hundreds of fathers of twins, triplets, quads, and 
even quints, some from down the street, others from as far away as Greece and Finland.  
With few exceptions, my first reaction was typical of men who suddenly find out that 
they are going to be a father to many-at-once.  Most fathers' reactions revolve 
around change.  It's a change to how I had expected our future to be.  It's a change 
to how I looked at my job.  It changes almost everything from where you live to what 
you drive.  To sum it all up, it changes what matters most.  For me now, that's family.  
Getting a promotion or getting recognition for a job-well-done no longer matter; work 
is what I do to provide for my family.  What I drive is not important, but the vehicle 
that carries my family had better be the safest it can be.  Affording nice vacations 
or the latest clothes and toys take a backseat to birthdays, Christmas, and creating 
memories.

As I am writing this, a friend from California who is also a father of triplets, is 
going through hell.  His babies were born at 25 weeks and will be a year old three 
weeks from today.  His two girls are at home and thriving, but both still deal with 
limited medical issues.  His son has never left the hospital except for an ambulance 
ride to a better-equipped hospital.  He has been on a ventilator since birth.  Last 
night, this father and his wife got horrible news.  Their son has suffered severe brain 
trauma and no longer is responding to sight or sound.  They have been given a choice - 
they can continue their son on life support, basically for the rest of his life, or 
they can take him off of life support and wait for him to pass on.  That is a choice 
no parent should have to make.

I first met this father in July 2003.  He was seeking information and opinions regarding 
selective reduction.  Not because he feared about his family's financial future or 
health, but he feared the impact it would have on his and his wife's lifestyle and 
plans.  They drove a Volkswagen Beetle, he was in school full-time working towards 
his degree, and they both worked full-time.  Having triplets and possibly having his 
wife go on bed rest would seriously affect his lifestyle.  These were his priorities.  
How they have changed...

He's now a stay-at-home dad.  He cares for his daughters at home and works part-time 
from home on a consulting basis.  His wife has had to return to work full-time.  
Together, they see their son, who is still in the hospital on a ventilator, as often 
as they can.  He also received his degree last week, although no-one was there to 
applaud him.  His wife and family were watching over his children so that he could 
just attend the ceremony.

His regrets are not that they no longer drive the nicest cars - today they proudly 
own one used vehicle that can hold three car seats.  He does not regret giving up 
his career because he cherishes the time he has with his children.  The only regrets 
he has are that his son never got to run, his son never got to feel the sun on his 
face, and that he couldn't do anything more for him.

So Dads, use your time wisely.  Taking care of your family is so much more than 
bringing home a paycheck.  Taking care of your family has nothing to do with what 
is printed on a business card.  Which baseball team wins a game matters so little 
in the end.  Do you remember what kind of cars your father drove when you were little?  
Do you remember if there were dandelions in the lawn where you grew up?  What do you 
want your children to remember about their childhood?